Category Archives: Humour

A Redneck Love Poem

Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ‘bout it all
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another,
I’d just as soon yo’ ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe,
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this,
He said, ‘There’s trouble still.’

You can’t marry Will, my gal,
And please don’t tell yo’ mother.
But Will and Joe and several mo’
I know is yo’ half brother.

But mamma knew and said, my child,
Just do what makes yo’ happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain’t no kin to pappy.

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A little Humour

Nobody can simply bring together a country that has 265 kinds of cheese. Charles De Gaulle

Square meals often make round people.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Frances Marion, Screenwriter, Commenting On The Oscar Award…The statuette is a perfect symbol of the picture business: a powerful athletic body clutching a gleaming sword with half of his head – the part that holds his brains – sliced off.

Too much bed makes a dull head.

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. Janette Barber

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.

It was like that when I got here.

 

Homer’s Beer Song

Dough……the stuff that buys me beer
Ray………..the guy who sells me beer
Me…………the one who drinks the beer
Far…………a long way to get beer
So………….I’ll have another beer
La………….I’ll have another beer
Tea………..No thanks, I’m drinking beer
That will bring us back to Dough……..

A Little Humour

In the northern hemisphere, in the depths of winter, we need a little humour…

No one has ever put enough on a winning horse.

Somebody has to do something, and it’s just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us.   JERRY GARCIA

Speak the truth but leave immediately after.   SLOVENIAN SAYING

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.   OSCAR WILDE

The surest way to be late is to have plenty of time.

Whoever said, it’s not whether you win or lose that counts, probably lost.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me once.   JENNIFER UNLIMITED

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.   EUBIE BLAKE

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.   CATHERINE AIRD

I’ve always wanted to be someone, but now I see I should have been more specific.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

What Is It?

I’ve just acquired a painting
From the modern world of art.
A work that’s weird and wonderful
In fact, a thing apart.

It’s rude to show one’s ignorance
And so I can’t inquire.
It could be gaily colored clouds,
A flower, or a fire.

It might be purple columbines
(or someone’s purple past!)
But turned the other way, it looks
Like an atomic blast.

I don’t know what the teacher said,
Or what it’s meant to be,
But it’s that first important ‘art’
Brought proudly home to me.

The Preservation of Man

A little light humour…

The horse and mule live 30 years
And nothing know of wines and beers
The goat and sheep at 20 die
With never a taste of scotch or rye
The cow drinks water by the ton
And at 18 is mostly done
The dog at 16 cashes in
Without the aid of rum or gin.
The cat in milk and water soaks
And then in 12 short years it croaks
The modest, sober bone dry hen
Lays eggs for nogs then dies at ten
All animals are strictly dry –
They sinless live and swiftly die
But sinful, ginful, rumsoaked men
Survive for three score years and ten
And some of us thought mighty few
Stay pickled till we’re 92.
~Anonymous~

My forgetter’s getting better

A little humourous fare…

My forgetter’s getting better,
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke.

For when I’m “here” I’m wondering
If I really should be “there”
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven’t got a prayer!

Often times I walk into a room and
Say, “What am I here for?”
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say! “Hi” and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, “Who was that?”

Yes, my forgetter’s getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it’s driving me plumb crazy
And that isn’t any joke.
~Anonymous~

A Little Bit of Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde, an amusing wit who had the uncanny ability to cut to the truth…

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. ~Oscar Wilde~

The soul is born old, but grows young.
That is the comedy of life.
The body is born young and grows old.
That is life’s tragedy.
~Oscar Wilde~

This be the Verse

Feels like I have been a little serious lately so here is a fun verse. Often wonder what sparked the idea to write this but I like it. It’s one of  my favourites, simple and amusing.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

~Philip Larkin~ 1922-80

A few items of levity

Visited the dentist today with good results and it reminded me of this little poem. Also posting a few other little fun pieces of amusement.

Teeth
Healthy teeth is nice to have
They fills you with content.
And if you does not know it now
You will when they has went.

The Moron
See the happy moron,
He doesn’t give a damn!
I wish I were a moron –
My God, perhaps I am!

The Smoking World
Tobacco is a dirty weed:
I like it.
It satisfies no normal deed:
I like it.
It makes you thin, it makes you lean,
It takes the hair right off your bean,
Its the worst darn stuff I’ve ever seen.
Graham Lee Hemminger

 

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